remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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