Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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