planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Randomize
