What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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