my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
