I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
