Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
