im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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