i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
