Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
