Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
worst night to have a conscience
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
