So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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