??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
