Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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