Swine flu. Run for my life!
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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