someone owes me an orgasm
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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