the new term for farting is butt boxing.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
