I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
