omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
