ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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