Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
