My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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