glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
