its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
