i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
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