were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize