Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
