i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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