Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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