Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
