Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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