my phone needs a breathalizer
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
