so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize