It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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