So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
