i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
