I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
