'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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