And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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