He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize