And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
