Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
