Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
