I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
