The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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