I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
