I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
