3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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