Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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