so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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