i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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