you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
