I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
