Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
