I cut my penus on the lid.
my being single is dangerous.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
