I heard we made out
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
