I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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