im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Randomize
