The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
