I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
