The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
