I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
