Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
